Please stop soliciting for babies. This is wrong in every way. Because you believe taking a baby from a birth mother who may or may not “be ready” for the responsibilities of parenting is a “blessing for everyone”, does not make you a parent. Step away from your need and toward the needs of the parents whose child you are considering taking (who through choices-or force-are dealing with financial, educational, and support issues that are beyond their ability). Help them keep their baby but please don’t ever take a baby. Adoption agencies and private adoption attorneys do not talk to these moms about how much they will regret giving up their children. They don’t talk to you about how much these moms suffer. But putting aside the mom’s suffering and postponed trauma, it’s a researched reality that children suffer when taken from their biological mom. They suffer trauma (A Primal Wound-Nancy Verrier) even when taken at birth. Open adoption is a fallacy and currently does not exist in a way that is enforceable. In essence, to offer an open adoption is coercion if a mom agrees to an adoption based upon it being open. Please stop soliciting for babies and start supporting family preservation. m
Pregnant Moms
Mothers who find themselves pregnant with an “untimely” baby need to use the nine months to educate themselves on how temporary circumstances change. Getting education, finding resources, and staying away from adoption influences until the education is complete gives the best chance of the baby’s best interest being met. Getting a prebirth match in an adoption plan sets up the circumstances for a decision of no return at worst and one that requires tremendous work to change at best. When circumstances create stress, tension, and general uneasiness, something needs to be changed. Giving up a baby doesn’t “fix” things. In fact, it complicates things beyond belief. Open adoption is a coercive, fraudulent tool used to convince a mom who was wavering into doing the “right and loving thing” for her child. If a mom must be coerced and convinced into placing a child (which includes offering financial support), the adoption just became a business deal meeting the needs of the parties creating the adoption agreement. The rights of the child are lost in such a transaction.
Unknowing Dads
Fathers find themselves in a weak position to even claim paternity depending upon when the pregnancy is revealed. If an adoption plan is made before the father realizes he is a father, it is typically too late to claim any parenting rights in nearly every state in the United States. Fathers have weak options of putative father registries and DNA testing which still do not provide any ability to parent a child in the process of being offered for adoption by the mother.
Judging and Morals
Judging the rightness or wrongness, moral choices, or social status of those who find themselves in an untimely pregnancy offers little justification to entitlement and does not heal the trauma and pain of losing a child to adoption. Judging that those who find themselves in such a pregnancy do not “deserve” what they get by being talked into placing their child to meet the needs of those who believe their needs (not able to conceive a child) are more worthy. Sadly, society, religious organizations – particularly churches and those who call themselves Christian – continue to promote adopting as a Christian obligation. Adoption has been characterized as a gift and a God “ordained” happening. This is too conveniently offered as the explanation for taking children from their families. Even foreign orphanages have been pillaged by the idea that the children in the orphanages would be better off in the U.S. with families. Educating oneself (from sources OTHER than adoption agencies) would be the prudent before even considering adoption. Find articles and books on the trauma of adoption. Search for resources that give the whole picture of adoption.
Adoption vs Abortion
The pro life argument offering adoption as a life saving option does not logically follow. Adoption options point to parenting choice, not life choice. The reasoning that a woman would a child to term (rather than aborting) then make the gut wrenching choice to permanently separate herself for a lifetime from her child, does not connect. Adoption agencies who tout an open adoption and an open relationship do not tell the mother that this arrangement leaves her feeling empty and guilt ridden even in the best of circumstances.
Working together as a society, through religious organizations and other family support venues to support the preservation of families is in the child’s best interest. Supporting biological families with what they need to raise children up in whole and healthy families would best serve the children and society as a whole. This goal is achievable. Working together, it can be done.
We also appreciate that the new rule strikes down the Existing Indian Family exception. An Indian is not an Indian based on blood quantum and the courts should not be using the EIF or the term “identifiably native”. If courts asked “Americans” how much American blood they had or tried to determine how involved in American culture they were, there would be lawsuits from all over the place. Native families as members of sovereign nations should have as much respect.
Pregnancy, while not entirely a shocker, can come at a time that may be very inconvenient. Bills, housing, education, relationship, family support, and someone to talk are the biggest obstacles to overcome when considering a choice in an untimely pregnancy. In fact, those ARE the typical obstacles when there is doubt about what to do after confirming your pregnancy.
FPO helps dads too. Dads many times want to support but a direct contact with pregnant mom isn’t possible. FPO can assist with the communication and support.
FPO’s mission is to provide resources and education to help you make informed decisions about available options. Keep an eye here for future blogs on topics such as Adoption, Family Crisis & Parental Rights.